I still feel, at times, a bit divorced from my life. Like I'm only operating at 80%, or like I'm in a bubble and things happen around me. Or like I'm unable to fully enjoy and appreciate the good things in my life.

And I don't quite know why.

Deb can sense this sometimes. She'll look at me, "mikey, what ya thinking about?". Cos I'll have this so sad expression on my face. Often I'm not thinking about anything in particular, or something mundane, but I wonder if I'm going through this low level background sad zone, that every so often takes over my face and expresses itself.

There's still unresolved issues around, but not necessarily about, Beth. By that I don't mean that I want to start anything with her again, but more why it happened in the first place, and why I still think I'd like to  have her as a friend.

Work isn't particularly great.   Sometimes I feel so far in over my head, and that my faking will get caught out any day now. And I worry that I could be doing better, but seem unable to, seem unable to put my heart and soul into it.

And the house is still a complete mess. It's really struck me how unsettled that can make you feel. Like everything's out of sync, like there's no place to relax in, to be at home in.

I need to go and sleep a lot. I need to talk with Deb. I need to feel the baby moving. I need to make love. I need to smile at our cats and listen to music. I need to cycle again. I need to bake bread and drink red wine and talk about getting old. I need friends. I need to play with our cats more. I need to tell Deb how much I love her.

I'm going to start now with the first and last of those.

'Night.