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i spend more time thinking what to write here than i do on the journal itself!

I actually want to write tonight. I haven't for a few days and apologies for yesterday's entry. It was kinda a cop out late at night.

Last week was a hard week.

Deb's been stuck in the house for nearly a month now - probably the amount of times she's been out you could count on the fingers of one hand. And she's tied to Matthew. Every 3-5 hours there's another feed, and nappy change if I'm not there. And she'd had the flu, and then got over it, and then has caught it again from me.

And I had been home since Tuesday. Not really getting much better. Feeling vaguely resentful that Deb had caught the flu again and couldn't take care of me! Unable to play basketball on Saturday.

And Matthew is adorable, but he's always there. No matter what's up with you, you have to feedchangecomfort him.

And Deb has been having trouble breast-feeding. Sore nipples and breasts, and Matthew not latching on properly.

So. It was a situation where you start to niggle at each other. "Your turn to hold him", "why are you always in the computer room?", "just let him cry for god'sake - we need to eat now".

We made a pact with ourselves, before he was born, that we knew these situations would arise, and that one of us should stop, take a breath, and point it out when they did. I'm pleased to say we did pretty good. A number of times in the past we might have yelled/stormedout/madeasarcasticcomment, we didn't. Or pretty much didn't. We survived anyways.

So work was fine until I left. Then I realised how exhausted I was. My legs could hardly hold me up, I was lethargic, vaguely depressed (about what I don't know) and wondering just how long this flu was going on for.

And I came home and Matthew was asleep on Deb's knee. Dressed in the cutest white little jumpsuit. Asleep after being interrupted mid-feed by the phone. And I just smiled at them both and lifted him up and held him and put him down to sleep on the couch.

After dinner I held him again and rocked him asleep in my arms. Walking, with a very gentle rocking in my arms, occasional swaying and whispers into his ear seem to do the trick most times.

I've been in a wonderful, uplifted mood since coming home. Babies can do that to ya, y'know?

a ps i guess

ummm, i told myself i wouldn't write about other journals and online journalists in this one cos it gets kinda incestuous i think, but

sarah wrote me and said

Your journal at times makes me wish for a child of my own. This from someone who probably won't have kids.

and in my reply i didn't say how much that meant to me. i'm not good at receiving praise - partly a NZ thing i think and partly a me thing - but it meant a lot anyways.