I
think I may be happy
Thursday 27 July 2000
I think I may be happy.
I've been thinking about this the past couple of days, almost not daring to form the thought, but then realising that it wants to be there. So I've rolled around quietly, exploring it, feeling it, wondering if it might stay.
And it seems to have.
It's scary to write it though. I keep thinking that if spoken about, identified, admitted to the feeling might go away. Might vanish as the old gray mist rolls back in.
But maybe it won't …
It's been a long, slow progress, being me, over the course of the past couple of years I've been writing this journal. I started … I dunno … in some ways I guess it was an act of repentance. But that only means something if you change, if things improve. And it's not just that. Basically my whole time at my last job I was desperately unhappy. You can't live like that. It deadens you.
What happened, what I'd done, and the job situation … well, they just combined to cover me over with their own burdens.
I survived through writing. I survived through leaving my job. I sometimes survived through music. I survived through basketball. Most of all I survived through being with Debbie and through Matthew.
I really want to be doing what I'm doing. Two days this week I've done some contract work for an internet firm, and they've asked me back next week. Sure, I felt at time like I knew nothing there, but that's always the way when you start somewhere. I must have done something right to be asked back.
I want to live with Debbie for the rest of my life. I want to have another baby with her, and to build our house together, and to watch our kids grow, and to travel more, and to grow old together.
I want to enjoy all the time I have with Matthew. He is precious, adorable, stubborn (from his Mum!), loving, annoying, funny, smart. He is himself. I want to see him grow, and I want to see him with his brother or sister.
I want to be me. I want to enjoy and be happy and love and be loved.
I think I'm ready to take and to give to make that happen.