Tangled
up in blue
Thursday 15 June 2000
It's not easy, getting by, and it's not black and white either. Things can be good and bad at the same time, you can hold contradictory positions and believe strongly in them both.
I'm talking about us. Me and Deb, our situation. So many things are all tangled up.
Deb said last night that women need to stay home with their children. She was crying this morning as we dropped her off at work. She rang up during the day, hiding in a meeting room, in tears. She said she ached when she was away from Matthew.
Every time we try to talk about this, it ends in a fight. She's angry, I'm withdrawn. I don't even know sometimes what we're trying to talk about.
So many things all tangled up.
Eight months my business has been going now. Muddling along. We're still behind on bills, struggling each fortnight until her pay comes in, getting more and more into credit debt. I drift along at times, hazy drifting.
And Deb will say she knows this business can work, and we can do it, and it will happen. But it hasn't yet. And it seems each time that the desire she has to stay home with Matthew outweighs the desire to keep supporting me. I hate that word, in that context. Supporting. I want us to be a team. I think we're a team. But in a team shouldn't both parties contribute equally?
So many things all tangled up.
We both feel in a bind, in a situation with no real options but the ones we're in right now. Her working and unhappy with her job and sad about not being with Matthew more. Me seemingly scared of making my business a success. And scared of what might happen if it isn't.
Do you just paint yourself into a corner until … Until what?
Why are we afraid to take charge of our lives and live them? Instead of making excuses, and waiting to grow up, and waiting for something to happen first. Always waiting for something to happen first.
I've been here a million times before. And we've been here so many times before. Our love is not in question. But sometimes it doesn't seem to be quite enough.
And we're both left wondering how it got to be quite like this, and whether the blue can ever be untangled.
Deb's just picked up our cat Tess. She's purring and it's cold enough to be a one-cat-night in our bed. We asked Tess if she thinks we can untangle our blue. She thinks black and white are the best colours and she said, yes, she knows we can.