Putting
your son to sleep
12 March, 2000
Work seems to be going well. I have three small new jobs, and the possibility of one or two larger ones. I say possibility advisedly, one thing I've learnt early on is the big gap between someone's interest in having you do a job for them and them actually getting you to do it. Sometimes you take it personally — why didn't they call me back about the proposal?, was the quote too high?, did I come across too eager? — but that's not something that does any good. The only thing is to move on. Learn something from the situation if you can, but otherwise leave it behind.
But this flurry of work is something to be grateful for. It's giving me more and more confidence if nothing else. If you want to see some of my recent jobs, go to the Portfolio page at www.maupuia.com
After an hour tonight Matthew wasn't asleep, so Debbie got him up. He knows he shouldn't really be up, so he's in this wondrous mood — happy, smiling and wide-eyed at the television. I asked him if he'd like to come back into our bedroom and read some books with me. "Yes", he said, like it was the most important question in the world.
He came in and crawled up on the bed next to me, sitting up against the pillows I'd piled for him. He was very specific about which book he wanted to read. The "Baba" book. It's a child-rearing book we've got. It's for parents, but it's got lots and lots of photos of babies and toddlers doing things. He loves looking through the book, pointing out the babies, seeing what they're doing today.
We flicked through it together. If I went too slow, he got impatient, pulling at the pages so I would turn them faster. There's one picture of a a boy and girl standing with their hands above their heads. Every time he sees it he raises his arms above his head, copying them. I left the book open at that page. "Can you do what they're doing Matthew?" He'd raise his arms, and I'd say, "tickle him under there", giving him a tickle in his armpits. He'd collapse in giggles. I did that about half a dozen times.
We read a couple more books, the last one ending with the bear saying goodnight to the moon. Matthew waved goodnight to the moon. I asked him if he was ready for bed, and he nodded yes. I held him in my arms and we looked out the window at the houses below. We said goodnight to his friend Max and Max's family. We said goodnight to Rocket their dog. "Arf, arf" said Matthew sleepily to Rocket.
I carried him into his room, his cheek resting up against mine. I turned off the lights, and the stars and moon glowed on his ceiling. I tucked him down into his cot, he was still clutching his little toy van.
Sometimes I get impatient with him and even resent a little the constant demands on my time he makes. Sometimes I wake up feeling so tired, hearing him calling in his room for his morning bottle.
All of that melts completely away with a night like tonight. He's so beautiful it takes my breath away. In the best of ways I hope he keeps some of this innocence and wonder for the rest of his life.