Well, three days without tv. Matthew's asked a few times if the tv is fixed yet. But tonight I asked if we really needed the tv. He thought a few seconds and then said, “No, we can live without the tv!”
I love this photo. I took it at the weekend, of the river near my parent's beach house. I love the light in it — grey and still and soft. Heavy, but not at all threatening.
I'm allowed to be happy. It sounds such a dumb thing to say. I mean, of course I'm allowed to be happy — who isn't? But I haven't been truly happy for a while now. And I haven't felt like I'm allowed to be. Why? A lot of it has been plain guilt. I've been doing bad things, I don't deserve happiness. A lot of it has been poor self-image. Happiness is for others, not me. And some of it has been depression, brought on by the above and other factors. Happiness seems only momentary, only snatched at, fleeting and brittle when you're depressed.
But I'm allowed to be happy. Deep down happy. Happy like I used to be. Only me is stopping me.
Since I decided to leave my job (last day next Friday!) I've felt a lot lighter, like a load has been lifted. It wasn't just the job, although that was part of it, it was the job and all the other things. It's been too much. It hasn't been an environment conducive to much that's good.
I've been smiling more this past week especially. A smile is an amazing thing. It's like I'm learning again how good it is to smile.
I've got a lot to work on.
Hmmmm, having just written that, I want to change it! It might be true, but it's not the truth I need right now. Better is … I've got a lot to look forward to!
Wow! I'm just listening to a CD by YO LA TENGO And then nothing turned itself inside-out, and the song just had lyrics, right then, of “And the song said let's be happy, and I was happy”. And I was happy. And I am happy.
Watch and see. This next year is going to be very good. I'm allowed that.
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Journals and blogs that I read regularly
Raising Hell
Feral Living
Hippycritical
Udder
My Life in 12 Point Font
Journal of a Writing Man
Some Jingle Jangle Morning
The Last Girl Scout
Potatoe.com
Journallife.com
Window to my Soul
Chickybabe
Sorabji.com
Yesterday's Makeup
Fifteen Milliliters
Fly Away
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Photo of tunnel copyright Bernd Klumpp, available from istockphoto.com