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what the telephone
is saying to me

I have periodic crises of confidences at work. Days where I go in, look at my desk, think about what needs to be done and try to stop the panic overcoming me. And it's like I retreat into myself and start some inessential little task, and get side-tracked into something else, and then start counting down the time until I can leave and forget about it for another night.

And nights like that I'll lie awake wondering where to from here. It's not always like this, but there's enough days like it to worry me.

I went to a meeting today. It was the AGM of a sports lobby organisation in New Zealand to which we belong. I feel so out of place at things like this. Mostly men there, older than myself, in suits. It's not so much those facts which bother me, it's that I don't know how to speak their language, how to fit in. I have this chronic inability to mingle and small talk, and of course I make it worse for myself by standing at the back, pretending to read papers and half hoping no one approaches me and half praying someone does. I managed to sneak out early.

I lay on the couch, watching tv and dozing this evening, with Matthew nestled into the crook of my arm asleep. The last couple of days he's not wanted to settle after feeding, but he seems a lot calmer if we hold him for a while until he falls into a sleep. It was calming for me too.

He's getting more alert as each day passes. Staring with wide eyes out into the world. I hope he sees love.