Being
a Dad
Wednesday 7 June (b), 2000
I still find it amazing when Matthew calls me Daddy. It's a word to melt your heart.
When my Dad was my age, I was 13. Just starting college. I wonder how he felt at 38? Did he find it amazing when I called him Dad? I can't imagine my Dad being my age. I mean, I know he was, and I know he must have felt similar to me in so many ways, but he's always been someone I thought could do anything. Even when I knew he couldn't.
Even when I could see his flaws and foibles and failings, he was/is still the person I look up to, the person I would seek help from. To me, he's never been young, or unsure — he's always been my Dad.
So I look at Matthew when he calls me Daddy, and I wonder if he thinks the same of me. I guess he does, and that's part of what's amazing.
When I take him in my arms and we go outside just before bed to say goodnight to the stars and the moon, he lays his his cheek against mine and his head in the crook of my shoulder.
When I'm sitting at the computer, he climbs up behind me in the chair, then stands on the arm of the chair, leaning against me for support and peering up on the window shelf to see what he can get to.
When I pretend to sleep, he'll sneak up close to me and shout “Boo!” to wake me up.
Sometimes when I tuck him in at night, he'll wake, just slightly, and look up at me, then snuggle back into the bed as I lay the covers over him, close his eyes and fall asleep.
When we walk down from the house each morning, he might call out to me “hand Daddy”, and I'll wait for him then take his hand in mine as we walk down the steps. Or I might wait and offer my hand, and he'll say “No Daddy” and walk on down himself.
I love that I'm someone he feels completely safe with, and that he trusts me to come running and fall into my arms, and that he holds out his hand if it's hurt for me to kiss better, and that he gives me Baby Bodyslams™ and is starting to try and tickle me by pressing his cold fingers on my belly and poking and giggling.
One day he'll know me as a person as well as a Dad, and know that I'm not someone who can solve all his problems, and that I've got my own weaknesses and failings. But I hope that no matter what, a part of him will always see me as his Dad, with all the blindness and love that that entails.